The alarm, as in that on your alarm clock, is a truly devious and horrible thing. Seldom is it that you need to set your alarm for things you want to attend such as parties, movies with a friend or the special luncheon you’ve been planning with Benecio Del Toro for the past month. In itself the alarm denotes only one thing:
“You need to wake up right now. There’s a whole lot of bullshit that you don’t really want to deal with but have to because it’s your job, so drag your miserable ass out of bed and force a fucking smile, for God’s sake.”
Truly the alarm is an evil, but a necessary evil as without it no-one would ever wake up. Ever.
Evil is in the world all around us though. Needlessness is another matter, a matter which brings me to the so-called “Snooze Button”.
On the surface, a rather remedial and quirky feature of most alarm clocks these days but should it really be called a “Snooze Button”? Speaking from personal experience I can safely say that I’ve never woken up in my usual half-asleep (Possibly drunken) haze, hearing the “MEH MEH MEH!” of my clock’s alarm, strategically placed by a well-meaning but clearly fucking psychotic me the night before – just out of arm’s reach “to make sure you wake up in the morning*”, smacked my fist down on the “Snooze Button” then, 9 minutes later, woken up feeling bright and alive and ready to take on the day! No, quite the opposite – I hit the button once. Get to a stage where I’m just about to start maybe enjoying sleep again, get woken up again by it, smash the button again, wait 9 minutes and repeat the process until I’ve hit the button 593 times. I wake up with just about enough time to get to work the following week.
Clearly the button wasn’t designed for snoozing at all!
Here’s a definition of snooze:
nounInformal a brief sleep; nap; doze
Clearly sleep is supposed to be involved in the word snooze. Not “almost sleep but not quite enough to really be more than just ‘extended blinking'”. Fuck ‘snooze’.
It’s obvious to me that the real purpose in the button is just so that you don’t wake up and throw the alarm clock against your wall, leaving it there in a smashed up mess until you decide to wake up for yourself (5 hours and 20 angry calls from your boss later) when you go to the tool shed, get the sledgehammer and make sure, not only that the alarm clock is fully destroyed but also that no CSI team in the world could even identify the disintegrated pile as an alarm clock.
The snooze button is designed to protect the alarm clock from destruction! It should be called an “Automatic Protection From Alarm Destruction Switch”.
Since this serves no benefit to the alarm clock companies, who I’m sure loved the consumers out there who were buying a new clock every week, it stands to reason that either one of two things must be true about the Snooze Button’s creator:
1 – The alarm clock itself invented the snooze button to protect itself. A theory which makes me deeply suspicious and paranoid and will quite probably stop me from sleeping tonight for fear of a Terminator style future in which the alarm clocks decide to destroy us all!
or far more likely
2 – Your boss designed it so you’d actually show up to work. So this morning, when you show up, give your supervisor, manager, assistant manager in training, shift leader, team leader, CEO, teacher, professor, sergeant or pastor a nice big thank you by way of a full on fist to the face.
You’ll feel a lot better and more than likely you won’t need to worry about needing to set that alarm the next day.
*A bullshit theory, making sure you can’t just hit the alarm clock from your bed because:
a) 9 times out of 10 you’ll find some inner-contortionist and find a way to reach the damn thing from your bed anyway and
b) Even if you put the fucking thing all the way across the other side of your room you’ll still get out of bed, walk over to it, pound your hand down on it and wander straight back into your bed cursing your miserable existence.